:: the root ::

I recently reconnected with an old friend, B, over facebook. As we were sharing with each other about the going-ons of our lives, I had to spill about the journey I've been on. It seems like we've had similar struggles with regard to weight and health. She brought up something for me to think about - what is the ROOT of the problem? Why am/was I overweight? The answer seemed clear as day to me - gluttony. I enjoy food way too much - especially sugar. And over the past years, I've hardly controlled what I take in. Why do I suffer from gluttony and others not? She then suggested that it could be due to family of origin. I'm not entirely sure what that means yet but I do know that my dad was severely overweight and was definitely a glutton himself. Did I somehow inherit gluttony from him? It's possible... sin can be inherited, no? Or was it just a matter of years of imprinting as I watched him gorge himself? My dad himself has overcome his gluttony issues and I wonder if I could also "inherit" his resolve. Or maybe I already did as I watched him suffer through the stroke early this year?

Losing control over my appetite is the same as losing control over anything. I should have been likened to an alcoholic. But somehow society gives the alcoholic the bad rep while the obese gets sympathy. Whether or not this problem is a product of my family of origin, more importantly, I have faced this head on and I know I can overcome this. I want to say I already have (90% of the time). I've come a long way but I'm not a perfect person. I on occasion still succumb to the devastating effects of refined sugars (like yesterday). I'd call them mini-relapses but they don't push me down a path of no return and I don't beat myself up over it. I think the reason is that after experiencing what I've experienced, there's just no way I would ever get back to where I was - having utter disrespect for the condition of my body.

Where does my faith fit in? Everywhere.

When I think about previous attempts to lose weight, it was always been motivated by the media, societal pressure or my mum/grandma telling me I am too fat. I would post up pictures of myself in the skinny days as a reminder of how great I used to look. Time and time again, I would fail and yo-yo in my weight. I suffered from serious self-image issues. By the time I started on this journey in 2008 however, I had completely changed - inside. I was utterly in love with myself, even at 200lbs. I honestly didn't hate the way I was - I felt loved and accepted the way I was. By God, by my husband by my family (slight exception about mum's nagging) and my friends. What I hated however, was the possibility of leaving my dear husband and kids (to be) behind, like my dad nearly did. And that, I couldn't live with. It is no longer about me, it's about the people I love.

As I went through the journey of self-discovery, God started to speak to me through various people/books and I began to see my body very differently. I saw it as a perfect creation of God that has been made toxic by the poor decisions I have made. I saw that God created wonderful foods in natural form for my body's nourishment and protection against sickness, which was undeniably the best defense. I saw that while God loved me unconditionally and irrevocably (familiar line? :P), my body isn't how He intended it to be. I saw that He knew I had control issues with my appetite but still loved me.

This is why I can still do what I am doing now - Love. Love for others and God's love for me.